A five-headed shark? Say it’s true. Please! It is in a fictional land. This shark is its own sharknado.
Not only does it have five heads, but one of the five heads is on the shark’s tail. So, instead of a tail, it has another head.
Husband Unit: How does it poop?
Me: Good question. I don’t think we’re supposed to think about it much. It’s that kind of movie, ya know. A no-thinking movie.
HU: How many rockets do you suppose that shark can fuel?
Me: That was a different movie. This one might not have any useful bioelectricity.
HU: It’s not useful for much.
Me: Blood and beer, baby. Pass the popcorn.
It was really never explained how this shark got to have five heads. No attempt was made to explain how it had survived. There was a passing mention of someone dumping chemicals, a very fleeting mention. It doesn’t really matter.
This shark ate everything and yet had a delicate bite. It could devour a boatload of people without leaving a dent or splinter; just a small puddle of blood. Remarkable.
Between the various characters, it must have been asked fifty times, “Where’s the shark? Do you see it?” They never learned. The answer was always the same: under the boat and you’re dead. Granted, this upped the body count in the movie, which is what you want in a shark movie. Why watch otherwise?
The movie opens with the shark devouring other sharks and people. All this mayhem takes place in beautiful Puerto Rico. The head of the aquarium wants to capture the 5-headed shark for a new exhibit that will make him millions. Can you guess how this plan turns out? If you guess, ‘not well,’ you’d be right.
An intricate, somewhat-scientific plan is made to capture the shark, but after quite a few people get munched, a humpback whale, and a helicopter, it’s decided the shark has to die. Another somewhat-scientific plan is made to kill the shark. If you guess it involves explosives, you’d be right. (Bombs are always the answer in these movies, in case you didn’t know.)
At least 5 times, it’s remarked, “I think we got it.” At least 5 times, they were very, very wrong. It’s not so easy to kill a 5-headed shark. How the shark finally meets its demise was creative and as fun as Fin Shepard diving into then bursting out of the inside of a shark with a chainsaw (Sharknado). Well, not quite as spectacular as that. That is pretty impossible to beat. I won’t spoil how the shark dies for you in case you want to watch.
Then some really dorky, out-of-place romantic stuff happens in the last 20 seconds that will make you roll your eyes. Because this kind of movie isn’t properly done if you don’t roll your eyes a couple of times.
Because of the high body count, surprises of what the shark ate and who, the existence of a 5-headed shark, and the hokey ending, 5-Headed Shark Attack receives a 2 beer rating. One may be enough, but 2 beers will ensure you have fun.