Dinner and a Bad Movie
Husband Unit and I watch these movies so you don’t have to…
1988. Hong Kong. Godfrey Ho’s Robo Vampire With Alex Jowski, Charley McMullen, mister X and Josh Hadley
So much went on in this movie and it didn’t all seem to belong in the same movie. It begins in the basement of a drug gang and they’re putting drugs in coffins. Oh, wait no, there’s a scene before that, but it doesn’t matter. We’ll start in the basement. A bunch of beings stand around like this…
They start to wake up and attack the bumbling drug stockboys. Because!! The drugs are not drugs, it’s rice powder, which pisses off the vampires. Fighting ensues involving bottle rockets shooting out of the vampires’ arms, bunny hopping – yes, the vampires bunny hop, which cracked me up every time – and some martial arts.
Never fear! The wizard saves the day by sticking bits of paper on the vampires’ heads. He controls the vampires with a sword, theatric arm gestures, and bits of paper. The vampires work with the drug gang.
Cue a subplot – the ghost and the vampire. This vampire looked like an ape…
His true love is a ghost. Husband Unit said her see-through top was the only plus in the whole movie. Later she goes completely topless. Ooo! Anyway, she makes a deal to work with the wizard to be with her vampire love again. The deal doesn’t last long and I have no idea why. If you want this movie to make sense, you’ll miss out on all the fun.
The ghost and vampire have sex in a ghost/vampire way. I guess that’s what it was. All the same, it made me laugh.
Another drug gang is in the movie. I wasn’t sure how they fit in exactly. Don’t think too hard about it, though. You’ll just wind up with a headache.
Anyway, the bad guys capture some drug agents. One gets killed and is turned into Robocop. Another dude is hired to rescue the captured drug agents.
I know this sounds disconnected, but so was the movie. The Robocop really had nothing to do with the rest of the plot. I think the plot was about Tommy rescuing the captured drug agents, but I can’t be certain.
To sum up: I was uber entertained by the bunny hopping vampires shooting fireworks out of their arms. Boobs were the only redeeming highlight in HU’s opinion. He said this movie required four beers. I said three. So we settle out at 3.5
Colossus and The Amazon Queen
1960. Director: Vittorio Sala Stars: Rod Taylor, Ed Fury, Dorian Gray
After the Trojan War, Glauco is the strongest man amongst the Greeks. His friend Pirro meets two men who offer him a large sum of money to persuade Glauco to sail towards unexplored shores. Pirro accepts the proposal and convinces Glauco with a trick: he hits him on his head. The ship lands at a strange place where Pirro and the other men aboard are drugged and find themselves in the hands of the Amazons. Only Glauco escapes, saved from the Egyptian inventor Sofo and he falls in love with Antiope. Between loves and duels, conspiracies and ruses, the pirates will bring together Amazons and Greeks.
No human-devouring reptiles, but it was an entertaining enough watch. The plot made sense and tracked, which is a bonus. The stars were purty. Men and women scantily clad, another bonus. Lots of wrestling. Men trying to behave like women, which made us both laugh. You can’t lose if Colossus is on your side. Bonus: A nice musical dance interlude.
Husband gives it a one beer rating. I thought it needed two beers to be uber fun. That settles it at 1.5
1988. An Italian movie filmed in Columbia.
Author Ted Angelo discovers an UFO in the Columbian jungle. When he tries to spread the word, he earns more than the usual disbelief: suddenly he’s hunted by almost every organization, like CIA, KGB, the mob, Nazis… and even extraterrestrials – Those ETs obviously do not want to go home.
Warning: There was no manscaping in this movie.
Now that we have that out of the way, the author is a drunk, of course. We all are. You might as well all admit it in the comments. Go on and say how many drinks you’ve had today.
The plot actually makes sense. That’s two in a row that made sense. Wow. And it wasn’t so horrible. Except the film quality was terrible, so sometimes we didn’t know what we were looking at. The view of the alien ship wasn’t clear at all. I wanted a better look at it.
There may have been topless women, but it was hard to tell… the picture quality and all.
Hilarity ensued with a drunk couple and a truck chase… trucks instead of cars. At times we were much reminded of Indiana Jones and Romancing the Stone. Everybody was out to get our hero. Absolutely everybody. One somebody turned into a robot.
My favorite scene: Robot versus a gansta cow! Guess who wins?
At the end a character changes into an alien, and it was actually really cool. Maybe a little slow, but the transformation was worth the price of admission.
Husband Unit gave this a 1/2 beer rating (I’m assuming for boobage, a robot, and aliens). I gave it a 1 1/2 beer rating (gangstas all the way!), which settles out at one beer.
Have you seen any of these? Are you tempted to watch? And you know what I’ll be watching July 30th! That’s right! SharkNado2, baby! Can’t wait.